Detachment

I wish I could be like you
who falls in and out of love so easily.
Sometimes I envy
the way you turn off and on
your emotions.
Like you turn off and on
a power switch.
Cy03.11.07

How could you hold my heart in your hand?

I watch the darkness
creeps quietly into the night.
Now the empty hall
echoes in reverberating silence.
And coldness settles
comfortably into the room -
filling all corners
with suffocating sadness.
I waited in stillness...
Like the many times that
I swallowed my anticipation.
And I wonder more
How could you hold
my heart in your hand
and not know it?
Cy01.24.07

Paglisan

How swiftly the afternoon fades
to give way
to dusk and twilight.

Like the farewell of the night
as darkness and light meet
at each explosive dawn.

And the passing of one's existence
with the realization of
how precious it is.
Cy03.21.07

Comfort

I saw him the moment I stepped into the hall - settled at the far left of the dining area,
beside the huge aquarium.
He saw me almost at the same time and for the fleetest moment our eyes met and held,
I caught myself in time, and hurriedly pushed the pair of sun glasses back to place.
I tried to reassure myself that the shades of gray could conceal the pain I feel inside.
He stood, his broad smile lighting his face instantly, and extended his hand.
"Hi, I'm sorry I'm late - " I said, grasping his hand.
"It doesn't matter," he shrugged. "I just got here myself," he added, pulling a chair.
I took the seat he offered and looked at him through the eye glasses as he seated himself opposite me.
"So, how are you?" he asked with a smile.
I shrugged. "I'm okay," I managed a weak smile. "I'm fine," I added and regretted it.
I resented the way I obviously choked on the words.
He sighed. "I don't know why you do this to yourself --" he sounded almost angry.
"Please.." I pleaded.
"Why do you waste your time on that jerk?" he clenched his fist tightly.
"Look at you. Can't you see how incredible you are - " he stopped himself abruptly,
as if he had not meant to say the words out loud.
Surprised, I searched his eyes and he met my gaze unflinchingly.
Here is a guy whose seen the worst of me and still manages to call me incredible.
Touched by his words, I wept. Tears spilled forth, running down my cheeks before I could brush them away.
My hands trembled uncontrollably, until he caught and held them warmly into his.
"Would it be the end of the world for you if he stops loving you, Cy?" he asked earnestly.
Cy02.22.07

On Responsibilities

"So how are you?" he asked.
"I am tired," I admitted.
"Aren't we all?" he said.
I sighed.
"Why are responsibilities so heavy?" I asked.
"How come they don't get lighter, ever?"
"Because when they do, they become merely chores," he answered.
Cy02.05.07

Its fun being your own boss...

Yes, this is correct , I felt that once too, I was so sad when I left home.
I felt so alone when I got here.
But I said to myself, its either I'll try accepting this distance or I'll go home.
Going home meant back then to "give up" all I dreamt of...
I've dreamt of finding who I really am...
So I 've tried to accept the reality that I have to stand on my own feet.
And believe me, the distance had grown on me.
I realized it could be fun...
I could do things my way...

But, it's not always like that...
Sometimes out of nowhere,I felt this pang....
This sense of being alone...
And I started feeling sad...
Missing people I love...
But its either I surrender to the sadness or I'll stand on my feet again..
I chose to stand on my feet.
So I kept myself busy...
So I wouldn't feel how alone I am.
I'ts a lie...yes... I admit that...
Sometimes I live in denial...
Convincing myself that I am happy where I am right now...
And sometimes it usually works .
I can forget my sadness...
But at times, it catches up on me again...
Because its the truth, and perhaps I can never really run away from this truth...
But, I'm cool with that right now...
I keep telling myself...
It's not always going to be like this.
The time will come, eventually... I can really be happy...

And in New Year's eve, I felt the same gnawing sadness...
But...
I chose this ..
I chose to be here where I am right now....

I don't really think that it is a failure to succumb to loneliness.
I feel that it is a mere acknowledgment of that fact that we are all vulnerable.
And that no matter how far we roam, we have roots -
We have a place to come home to...
We feel this pain because we love and that we are loved.

for Papa

On a Moonless Night

He asked, "Do you have to work tonight?"
"I'm glad you're okay," he smiled sadly. "I'm heart broken."
"Yes," I looked at him closely, trying to gauge if he was jesting.
I arched a brow then realizing he was serious, asked:
"Why? What happened?" Then added stupidly, "Are you okay?"
"What time do you need to leave for work?" he paused, took a deep breath.
"I'm not really okay..." he admitted. "But this will pass, maybe it will take days....
I have to make myself busy.." he stopped.
"By ten," I answered. "Listen, I'm worried about you...I don't know what to say..."
"I will be okay, "he smiled, embarrassed. "Although she's not saying anything, I can feel that she doesn't want me. Wish I am numb...maybe the problem is with me..."
"Don't say that," I scolded."Why do you need to blame yourself? Sometimes things just happen...it does not have to be somebody's fault..it is just what it is..." I mumbled.
"I guess love is not meant for me..being nice isn't enough sometimes....maybe I am not..." he whispered almost to himself.
"That is not true" I said vehemently."Sometimes hurtful things happen despite our best intentions..."
"Maybe.." he sighed. "I want to devout my self to work...to make myself busy..to forget..." he said defeated. "I'm really stupid..I love her so much...I guess I'm wrong..."
"Maybe you're just hurt...that's why you say that..." I said sadden by his words.
How can one so young give up on love so soon....
Cy11.17.06

for Chris

Acquiesce

It's funny how you tell me
That I am never alone.
For each time you say it
The more I feel that I am.
Sometimes I envy
The way you sit there calmly.
Nestled by a stillness
So painfully thick...

It's awfully quiet here -
Has love flown out of the window?
How strange then,
For things to look exactly as they always are...
And how perplexing -
For the more you say you love me -
The less I feel that you do...
Cy11.07.06

Stigma

Do you need me?
Could you ever?
I wanted to ask you this for the longest time now -
But I cannot bring myself to do so.
Inside me is this fear -
This uncertainty...
Afraid to look into your eyes
For I may no longer find me there.
But I'll understand. Eventually.
Because I know.
I've always known.
That there is something definitely very wrong about me.
People always give up on me -
Nobody hasn't.
Nobody can't.
Not even my mother...
Cy11.10.06