Resignation

“There was nothing you can do,” he said.
Sometimes I want to hate the way he reads my mind.
I want to resent the way he seems to know me.
I averted my face now.
I do not want him to read whatever could be in my expression.
But sometimes –
Just sometimes –
I’m glad he knows me the way he does.
Because, words can be so inadequate –
Sometimes it is very hard to vocalize emotions.
I stared at the empty pad before me –
I was trying to create a replica of my “The Day the Angel Flew”.
I want to give it to a friend –
Who does not ask for anything this Christmas…
The thought made me smile.
And then -
I watch him now –
Running his hand through his hair in frustrations.
And I want to laugh.
I never gave him anything but frustrations.
You have nothing to give –
A voice inside me whispered the truth to me –
Yes.
And sadness filled me –
And yet, I have him.
“You are very kind to me,” I blurted.
He hissed.
Obviously exasperated now.
“I want you to know that I am grateful --“
“I don’t want your gratitude, Cy --“he interrupted me in mid-sentence.
“You don’t understand,” I said.
“If you really want to show your gratitude then I want you to fight, Cy,” he was almost angry.
I turn away from him.
Feigning indifference.
What does he know about pain and betrayal?
I asked in anguish.
“Don’t cower like that!” he ground in anguish himself.
“Fight it!” he demanded.
“You owe it to me,” he demanded like a madman now.
“You owe it to yourself” he finished.
Cy12.19.05

On Novelty

“What happens when the novelty wears off?’ I asked him, quietly.
He looked at me strangely, a thoughtful expression on his face.
“It is dependent on the impact of the encounter,” he answered.
I was silent.
“If the experience is too significant or consuming, it may never wear off – “he continued.
“It will continue to burn through time,” he shrugged.
Would it still be novelty, I thought.
I sighed.
“But what happens when the novelty wears off?” I insisted.
He sighed his impatience.
“Then one must learn to accept it,” he said. “One must learn to let go,” he finished.
Cy11.11.05