Of Winged Beings

Is that my way to deny what is truth and real?
I hide behind the facade of winged beings...
Of fairies and angels.
What it is that makes me so afraid?
That I linger in fantasy….
It is fear to simply accept?
It is fear to let go?
Just like the winged beings ready to fly…
Cy05.30.06

Of Making Mistakes

“Mm…” I murmured.
“Mm,” he said. “Are you getting irate?”
“No,” I said.
“Mm means I’m thinking and that I’m not trying to assume anything.”
“Yeah right” he said. “You are always correct master.”
“You can just imagine how difficult it is for me to be wrong,” I sighed.
“Everyone seems to expect that I’d always do the right thing.
And it weighs down on me like a bag of cement –
It’s like my mother all over again…
No offence, I love her.”
I added a smile.
“You’ll better be a nun to justify your rightness,” he laughed.
“No. I’d run away from all of you. And I’ll go as far away as I can.” I said.
“To a place where nobody knows me -
Then I could be who I want to be.
And I could make mistakes all I want and nobody would care.”
Silence.
Inside me words are ringing like resounding bells:
Because I’m not hurting anybody but myself when I make mistakes…
And I can choose to either learn from all those mistakes or not.
I don’t care if I’d keep running –
Because at least it’s all up to me now…
I make the mistakes –
I make the choices.
I hurt nobody but myself.
I was silent.
“What is this, some kind of a drama?” he said. “I don’t think that way.
If you want to make mistakes go ahead and do them.
You will not get anything by following other people.
You shouldn’t listen to what other people say.”
Drama? I asked myself. Did it ever occur to him that I am just stating a fact so long been held –
How could people assume when they do not have the right to do so?
Instead I said, “I’m doing my best.”
I tried to smile again, although the action almost hurt.
“That is not enough,” he said.
I wanted to laugh.
When was my effort ever enough?
I don’t expect him to understand – I don’t understand it myself.
People say, do whatever you want –
Don’t let other people tell you what to do –
And I do that –
But, the same people who told me to do exactly what I want are the very same people who tell me that I am not doing it right.
But hey, no worries –
When the pressure becomes too much –
I can always run…
Cy05.28.06

Of Self-discovery

“You need to discover a little of yourself everyday," it said.
“The greatest achievement one can attain is to master oneself.”
We learn a little of something everyday.
It is part of growing.
But the most important to learn is oneself –
Cy05.21.06

A Conversation

He said, “Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves,
and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.”
“The little prince,” I said.
“OMG,” he said.
“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune,
must be in want of a wife”
I laughed. Then said, “Pride and prejudice…”
“OMG. This is god-like,” he said.
“Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them?
Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment”
“I don’t know,” I said.
He said, “LOTR: The Fellowship of the Ring.”
Then he laughed.
“I see. Can you guess who said this?” I asked. “Being in love is such a terrible mental ailment,”
Then he asked, “Who was the idiot who said that?”
“Take a guess…” I taunted.
“I don’t know,” he said. “But I feel that whoever considers falling in love an ailment is a fool.”
I laughed.
“If you think so – I will respect your opinion.”
“I didn’t say that, did I?”
I smiled. “Actually, you SMS that.”
“Ok. I officially feel stupid,” he said. “I was a different person before.”
“Perhaps,” I said. “But love doesn’t have to be so complicated. It does not need to be so.”
“Regardless,” he said. “I still feel stupid.”
“Its ok, we all need to feel stupid sometimes,” I smiled.
“If we need this shit then why do I feel so bad,” he said. “I hate being stupid.”
I rolled my eyes to the heavens.
“If you hate it so much, then you can choose not to feel stupid… like duh!” I said impatiently.
“It’s a natural reaction. I repeat,” he paused. “Natural.”
“I guess you are right. I can say, “People can choose not to feel/do this…”” I mumbled.
“But saying is easier than actually doing it.” I sighed.
“People are people,” he shrugged.
“I was just experiencing a sudden, involuntary shift in my state of mind boss.
Sorry for being human.”
Is that sarcasm, I detect? I asked myself.
“Are you irate?” I asked him.
“I chose not to be irate,” he chuckled.
I sighed.
“I better not talk to you,” I said. “We seem to always end up in a disagreement.”
“Why is that? Opposites attract, right?” he asked.
“I don’t believe in that,” I said, exasperated now. “I need more than attraction.”
Then he said. “Force I say it is by force that I shall impose my will on you.
I shall rule ze world,” he quoted.
Then laughed.
“Hmm,” I said, meaning to sound bored.
“You’re not intimidated?” he asked.
“Not at all,” I said. “Am I supposed to be intimidated….?” I asked.
“And anyway,” I paused. “It takes more than words to intimidate me,” I smiled.
“Are you trying to ridicule me?” he asked then made a growling sound. “Gggrrrrrr...”
“Not at all,” I repeated. “But if you want to feel ridiculed then who am I to oppose that?”
“You seem to sound so right, Master,” he mocked.
“Hmm…” I muttered.
“Will you stop that,” he said. I don’t know if it is out of impatience…
I laughed.
“I don’t care if you laugh at me,” he said.
Silence.
“What do you care about?” I asked. He typed, “u.”
“What?” I asked again.
“U,” he retyped.
I typed in,” Is that “u” similar to “you”?
Like:
Me: What do you care about?
You: u.
Me: What?
You: u.”
He said nothing to this but just typed:
“U.”
I laughed.
“Ah… maybe the only key you can press on is the letter u….” I teased.
“Now I finally understand,” I smiled.
Then he said.
“Funny. Very funny. I pissed on my pants because of that”
I only laughed out louder this time.
Cy05.21.06

What makes love complicated?

“Being in love is such a terrible mental ailment,” he said.
“I’m sorry if you feel that way,” I said.
“Love doesn’t have to be so complicated. It does not need to be so.”
He said nothing to this.
What makes love complicated?
Is it the need to change?
Or to expect the other to change?
Is it the need to protect?
Could it be the nagging fear of losing the person we love?
What makes love complicated?
Is it love or is it the person in love?
Cy05.20.06

Irony

“Ah,” I said. “I forgot you are in the state of denial.”
I smiled.
I love baiting him.
“You are “in hate” right now,” I continued.
“And you only kiss for formality’ sake.”
He just continued to watch me with that expression on his face.
“It must be very difficult to associate yourself with someone you hate,” I laughed.
Cy05.16.06

Of Exemptions

“I do not associate myself with losers,” he said.
I chuckled at this and said.
“It is a good thing then that I am not a loser.”
“I have made you an exemption,” he said.
I laughed out loud this time, and then catching my breath, I smiled.
“Be careful with exemptions,” I advised. “It is a sign of weakness.”
Cy05.16.06

Over Thin Crust Pizza

“In committing yourself to a relationship,” I said.
“You have accepted the fact to eventually let go.”
He said nothing to this but just continued to play with his SE750i phone.
“And in falling in love, you must also be ready to fall out of love,” I added.
He raised a brow to this.
“People fall in and out of love all the time,” I sighed. “It is not something unusual”.
Silence.
“Letting go of someone does not necessarily mean that you cease to love that person.
Sometimes there is a need to let go as much as to hold on,” I said.
“Detachment -” I paused.
“Yes, detachment is the correct word for it,” he said. “It is very similar to anger.”
“Yes,” I agreed.
“You acknowledge your anger but you can choose not to dwell on it,” he explained.
We were silent for a moment, enjoying our thin crust pizza.
“The problem with relationship is that you’d start building and dreaming about the future–“
“But what is wrong with that?” he asked.
“Nothing really,” I said.” As long as you don’t expect one to promise you his future.
For how could one pledge his future when all we really have is just….here and now?”
“And you have made up your mind to eventually let go,” he said.
“I have made up my mind to seize each moment as it comes,” I protested.
He watched me intently now.
“Dreaming motivates us towards actualization,” I said.
“But you cannot expect the other to share your vision for always, no matter how intimate the relationship has become.
You must credit yourself and other people the capacity to change and to choose.”
Cy05.14.06

Change

“I don’t want him to change,” I said. “Not for me anyway –“
“Change what?” he asked.
I sighed.
I don’t know, my mind screamed.
“Change the way he is,” I muttered.
“Not even for the better?” he asked again.
I looked him in the eyes –
Knowing that there is nobody in this lifetime who knows me the way he does.
I shook my head and sadly said.
“I want him to change for whatever and whoever he wants himself to be – because he wants to –“
Silence.
“But never because of me,” I whispered.
The need to change must come from within.
Cy05.12.06

Of Memories and Decisions

Sometimes there will be moments when the sense of being alone just hits you.
It evokes in you a deep longing for the things that used to be.
And in your solitude you think that you have lost your past.
But the thing there is that –
You don’t have to blame yourself if you haven’t had the opportunity to say goodbye to those people and things.
Because you don’t have to say goodbye to them in the first place -
You don’t really lose them either.
Because you have the memories -
One day you will come home.
And then you could do the things you did before again.
Be with the people you value the most.
But now you know you are different.
You have grown better and gained more -
Because you have known the feeling of being away from home –
You could learn to value things and people now.

They said that –
You really couldn’t tell how important a thing for you –
Until you’ve lost it.
But you can choose not to lose it.
You can consider being temporarily away from it -
From all the people you love…
Yet knowing that you will come home to these things –
And to them whom you love most –
Should keep hope burning in your heart.
What should motivate you to keep going –
Is the knowledge that –
YOU WILL COME HOME.
And when you do –
YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO LEAVE AGAIN.

Going for your dreams is tough –
Even more when you have to be away –
But sometimes you just have to choose to go –
So you will not have to regret –
And wonder of what-ifs, if-only and could haves…

You must go for your dreams wherever it will take you –
For there will be a time when it strikes you that finally you have enough.
Until then you will know –
That when you come home –
With your dreams fulfilled –
You know in your heart –
That you are home at last…

For Papa
Cy04.29.06